Learning to Rest

One of the areas that I have been working on is learning to take seasons of rest. I love pastoring and I love to work hard but in seasons past I have tended to go until I run myself into the ground. It worked to a certain extent when I was single but when I got married it quickly became apparent that I was going to have to change (it went to a whole new level when we had our little guy too).

Rest is a clear Biblical principle – God established it when he created the world in Genesis. We see the spirit of it in the law regarding the Sabbath. When we look at the ministry of Jesus we see clearly that he took time to pull away, pray and rest.

We often struggle with resting because we feel that there is ‘so much to do’. We need to remind ourselves of the ‘big picture’ though – that there is a lot to do over our lives and if we do not have proper rest/balance we will never accomplish what we were supposed to.

Here are several great posts on the importance of rest/rejuvenation:

1. The Power of Meaningful Get-Aways (Coach John)
2. Personal Retreats (Joel Comiskey)
3. Sabbath Rests (Rob Campbell)

The Hero Behind the Hero

For a while now I’ve had a really cool article on Billy Graham (it was actually published several years ago) saved in my links… I finally got to read it in detail today. Wow… powerful. In a day and age where we have seen so many ministers/ministries fall morally, ethically or spiritually I was reminded once again of the outstanding legacy of this man. He was committed to Jesus, the gospel, his wife and family and to a life of integrity. He is a true hero of the faith!

You can read the article here.

Make sure that you check out the side column about his relationship with his wife Ruth. She has since gone home to be with the LORD but I was so impacted by their love for each other. In my heart I said “that is what I want with my wife 50 years from now”

I actually then spent some time on the official site dedicated in her memory. What an outstanding, outstanding woman of God. Rev. Graham’s words best describe her –

“Ruth was my life partner, and we were called by God as a team,” Mr. Graham said of his life-long marriage and ministry partner. “No one else could have borne the load that she carried. She was a vital and integral part of our ministry, and my work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support.

“I am so grateful to the Lord that He gave me Ruth, and especially for these last few years we’ve had in the mountains together,” Mr. Graham continued. “We’ve rekindled the romance of our youth, and my love for her continued to grow deeper every day. I will miss her terribly, and look forward even more to the day I can join her in Heaven.”

Billy Graham should be a hero to us all – but let us not forget about the “hero behind the hero” as well.

You can check out the site dedicated to her memory here.

Words of Encouragement…

One of the things I love about the culture at CWL is that on people’s birthdays we will often take time for all those gathered to speak words of encouragement into people’s lives.  The scriptures teach us that the power of life and death is in our tongues and that words we speak have real impact in the lives of others. Taking time to speak these words of blessing is really powerful.

My birthday is next week but last night we celebrated it with our G12 teams (since we are away on Vacation next week) and they took time to speak into my life. It was really, really cool and meant so much to me. In the business of church and the battles you face it can be easy to lose sight of what God has done and the impact that you have on the lives of others. Last night, our teams really reminded me and brought me so much encouragement. I truly feel blessed to serve with each one of them.

When I was younger my friend’s mom used to say, “Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. Send them when I’m still alive!” When was the last time you took time to speak words of life into your family, friends and those you serve with? Why not do it today?

Families are blessed through the Father…

I’m currently reading The Power of Faith by Cesar Castellanos – it is an excellent read. Here is one quote that jumped out to me today:

“Families are blessed through the father. If he is committed to God, then the rest of the family will benefit from his commitment. If the father is attacked by the enemy with addictions or moral impurities, his household will the endure the consequences. The father determines the course of the family. For this reason, God looks for men who, like Abraham, will learn to walk with Him in obedience. He is looking for men who will not become slaves of money or their own passions. God calls for men who will discover the secret of the life of faith, accept the power of the supernatural, burn with God’s fire, and move in the anointing of the Holy Spirit” (The Power of Faith, Cesar Castellanos, pg. 57)

I pray that I will be this kind of father.

Marriage as a Matrix for Christian Hedonism

One of my guys (I’m really trying to get him to start a blog) sent me this quote:

“The reason there is so much misery in marriage is not that husbands and wives seek their own pleasure, but that they do not seek it in the pleasure of their spouses. The biblical mandate to husbands and wives is to seek your own joy in the joy of your spouse. Make marriage a matrix for Christian Hedonism.” – John Piper in Desiring God pg. 205

Destroying Your Marriage?

In my last post I linked to blog mentioning a couple who were doing an 8 part series on how they destroyed their marriage. 

I found the one post to be very good so I started to read a little further and was the thoroughly impressed. The couple (another couple doing a blog by the way!), Justin and Trisha Davis, were a ministry couple who just about lost their marriage 3 1/2 years ago, have come through a process of restoration and now are sharing their story to offer hope and healing to others (you can read more here). 

They are honest, real and have some very solid insights (they paid for them). When reading I was very challenged and encouraged (and a little rebuked). Whether you are married or not I really encourage you to check out this series.

Here is a quick summary:

8 Things That Destroyed our Marriage

1. We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
2. We consistently gave each other the left-overs from our day.
3. Our marriage put us in the same house but we were not always on the same team.
4. We failed to dream big dreams for our marriage and our family.
5. When we argued with one another our objective was to be right (Trisha) and to keep the peace (Me), rather than to grow closer through our conflict.
6. Forgiveness – forfeiting our future by not forgiving the past.
7. We forgot to focus on all the reasons we loved each other.
8. I bought into the lie that by withholding the truth from my wife I was saving her and our marriage from needless pain.

The first post starts here and then you can read forward from there. They are currently doing a series of posts on the ‘8 Things that Restored our Marriage’. I will post it in entirety when it is finished.

V.Day: Wives Support Your Husband

Yesterday I posted a teaching from Rick Renner on how husbands can honor their wives – today is a corresponding one on how wives can support their husbands (again it is from his Sparkling Gems from the Greek daily devotional – you can get it on his site).

Here it is:

Wives Be Supportive of Your Husbands

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.

— 1 Peter 3:1

When the apostle Peter wrote about the needs of husbands and wives in First Peter 3, he knew exactly what he was writing about. Peter had been married for a very long time when he wrote these famous words about marriage. That means Peter was speaking from many years of being successfully married to a wife who traveled with him in the ministry (see 1 Corinthians 9:5). 

As Peter addresses wives about how to be a blessing to their husbands, he begins by telling them, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.” The word “subjection” is the Greek word hupotasso, a compound of the words hupo and tasso. The word hupo means under, and the word tasso means to arrange or to put something in order. It was often used in a military sense to describe soldiers who were expected to fall in line and submit to their commanding officers. Every time the word hupotasso is used, it describes the relationship of someone who is submitted to some type of authority and who is expected to act according to that order of authority. 

There are many other examples where the word hupotasso is used in the New Testament. For instance, Paul uses this word in First Timothy 3:4, where he gives the instruction that children are to be “in subjection” to their parents. The word “subjection” in this verse is also the word hupotasso, which emphatically means that God has given parents the authority to lead their children and that children are to respectfully submit to their parents’ authority.

When Luke writes of Jesus’ relationship to Joseph and Mary in Luke 2:51, he uses the word hupotasso to describe this parent-child relationship. You see, Jesus was the Son of God and Creator of the universe. But while He was in the flesh, He followed God’s pattern, respectfully submitting to and following His parents’ God-given authority. 

This example in Jesus’ life shows the extent to which God respects the order He has set in the home. Although Jesus is God and could have done what He wished while He walked on this earth, He voluntarily submitted to the authority God had entrusted to His parents, thus setting an example for all children to follow. 

The word hupotasso was most frequently used in a military sense to describe a soldier’s submission to military authority. This tells us that just as the army has a specific order of authority, so has God designed a certain order for the home that He expects to be followed. Because Peter uses the wordhupotasso when writing to wives, he leaves no doubt from a linguistic point of view that God has set the husband as the head of the home and the wife is to respectfully fall in line and submit to his authority.

Because Peter uses the Greek word hupotasso in this verse, it means he is encouraging wives in this way: 

“Likewise, wives, you need to position yourself under your husband’s authority. This is God’s order for your home, so do all you can to become supportive of your husband.”

Peter knew that one of the greatest needs of a husband is to have a wife with a supportive attitude. You see, a man fights at his job all day long, struggling to pay the bills and trying to overcome his own insecurities and self-image problems. If he then comes home to a wife who nags, complains, and gripes about everything he doesn’t do right, her behavior has a very negative effect on him. He’s already fought the devil all day long; he certainly doesn’t need to come home to a wife who is ready to fight with him! 

As a result, the husband often responds to a nagging and critical wife by hardening and insulating his heart against her. Instead of drawing closer to his wife, he withdraws from her emotionally. 

Now, it’s important to understand that when Peter commands a woman to be in subjection to her own husband, he is not recommending that she become a “doormat” whom the husband takes advantage of. Rather, Peter is urging each wife to take her place as her husband’s chief supporter and helper.

When a husband comes home from a hard day at work, he needs to be greeted by a loving, caring, kind, understanding, and supportive wife. This kind of wife makes a husband feel as if he’s found a place where he can find rest and solace for his soul. Her supportive attitude makes him want to run to her, for she has fulfilled her role as his best friend and partner. 

Although we do find one New Testament scripture where the older women are told to teach the younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4), it is very interesting to note that nowhere in the New Testament are women directly commanded to love their husbands. Instead, wives are told to be “in subjection” to their husbands. Why is this? Because a husband perceives his wife’s love when he senses her support. 

Nothing communicates a wife’s love to her husband better than a supportive attitude. It is when a wife gets out of that supportive role and attempts to become the husband’s authority and head, constantly rebuking and correcting him for what he isn’t doing right, that her actions cause him to emotionally push away from her.

Wife, God never designed you to assume authority over your husband. It will therefore bring disruption to your marital relationship whenever you attempt to do so. So if you want your husband to know how much you love him, look for ways to show him your support. In this case, your attitude and actions really do speak louder than words. 

Writing by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and from many years of personal experience, Peter urges wives to be submissive to their husbands and thus demonstrate their love and respect to them. Now, it is important to understand that submission is not just an outward action; it is a condition of the heart. It is possible for a wife to outwardly comply but still be inwardly unsubmissive and resentful. 

Thus, there are two ways a wife can respond to her husband’s authority:

1. She can follow his leadership angrily and resentfully, kicking and screaming all the way.
2. She can submit voluntarily with a joyful and supportive attitude.

If a wife follows her husband with resentment in her heart, he will feel this resentment. A man can sense whether his wife is complying because she must or submitting with a joyful and supportive heart. 

When the wife takes the second approach and follows him with a thankful and happy heart — even if she has to deny her own desires or pleasures to do so — she sends a loud signal to the husband that causes him to want to love her. This is an important result of willing submission, for being loved is the primary thing every wife needs to receive from her husband. This is also the reason God commands men to love their wives ( see Ephesians 5:25).

Wife, have you been assuming a corrective role toward your husband? Does it seem like he is becoming more and more distant from you? If so, I urge you to take a new approach in your relationship with your husband on the basis of Peter’s instruction in First Peter 3:1. Rather than constantly correcting him and pointing out all his flaws, go to God with the things that disturb you about him. Meanwhile, work on becoming the most significant supporter and friend your husband has ever known. 

If you respond correctly to your husband’s God- given authority in the home, God will work on his heart. The end result will be a growing desire in your husband to shower you with all the love, tenderness, and affection that you need

V.Day: Husbands Honor Your Wives

In the early days of BrendanWitton.com I posted an article from Rick Renner that gave some really good practical teaching on how husbands can honor their wives. It actually ended being on of my top posts (hit-wise) and in light of wanting to share some good relationship teaching coming up to Valentines Day I figured ‘why reinvent the wheel?’ (it was actually from a daily devotional their ministry releases called ‘Sparkling Gems from the Greek’ – you can subscribe on the front page of their site)

So here it is (I will post one for wives tomorrow):

Planning Premeditated Acts Of Kindness Toward Your Wife

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life.
— 1 Peter 3:7

Husband, absolutely no one in your life is more precious or important to you than your wife. One day when you are older and your children have started their own families and have moved to another city or state, or when your friends become elderly and pass away, your wife is the one who will still be right at your side. She started with you; she stayed with you; she will be with you through many years yet to come. And at the end of your life, she is the one who will still be right there at your side. Of all the relationships you have in this life, none compare in importance to your relationship with your wife.This is exactly why the apostle Peter wrote to husbands in First Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life.”Peter had been married many years when he wrote this verse. He had a godly marriage that was an example to the Early Church. So when Peter spoke about marriage, he had a platform from which to speak. He had done well as a husband. Peter knew what God expects from husbands and therefore spoke strongly to husbands regarding how they should treat their wives.

In First Peter 3:7, Peter commanded husbands to “give honor” to their wives. What does this mean? The Greek word for “give” is aponemo. This word means to assign, to designate, to allocate, or to intentionally give something to someone. It refers to a calculated decision to show attention, awareness, or consideration to someone else. In this case, it refers to a man purposefully showing attention to and consideration for his wife. Because Peter uses the Greek word aponemo (“giving”), this strongly suggests that the husband’s attention, awareness, and consideration don’t occur accidentally. Rather, this word pictures a purposeful and premeditated action by a husband to intentionally demonstrate consideration for his wife.The word “honour” is from the Greek word timao, a word that carries the idea of something so valuable that it is held as precious, prized, cherished, treasured, valuable, and very dear. Peter uses the word in this verse to speak of a husband who values his wife highly; holds her in honor; treats her graciously; esteems her; handles her respectfully; and treats her like a prized treasure that is very precious to him.As Peter continues exhorting husbands to treat their wives with special care, he makes one statement that unfortunately is often misunderstood. He tells husbands that they are to give honor unto the wife as unto the “weaker vessel.”

The word “weaker” does not mean inferior or substandard. This is the Greek word asthenes, which actually carries the idea of something that is fragile and of great value, like a priceless, beautiful, hand-painted porcelain vase that must be treated with supreme care. Furthermore, the word “vessel” is from the Greek skeuos, which presents the idea of a vase or treasure so rare and valuable that it should be treasured, cherished, highly prized, and handled with special care.Unfortunately, many men treat their wives like a bucket that is to be thrown under the kitchen sink or used in the barn to milk the cows! They don’t comprehend that their relationship with their wife is the most precious relationship that exists in their lives.Because a wife is so vital to the life of the husband, he should treat her like she is important. She is to be given a place of high honor in his life, as if she were a fragile and priceless vessel. She deserves a place of distinction and should know without a doubt that her husband views her as precious, valuable, and special in his life.

Husband, I want to give you some practical suggestions for expressing appreciation to your wife. These ten suggestions may sound very simple, but they are the kinds of actions that communicate to your wife how valuable she is to you. As you look at these ten suggestions, you will see that they are small, almost effortless acts of kindness; nevertheless, your wife will deeply appreciate them.

Certainly these acts of love and consideration are the least you can do for a wife whom you expect to faithfully follow you through life! Therefore, pay close attention to the following ten easy-to- follow suggestions:

1. When you and your wife approach a door, open the door for her and let her go through the door first. If you step through the door first and then let the door slam in your wife’s face as she follows behind you, you give her the impression that she is of little value to you. So quit thinking only of yourself, and be a gentleman! Hold the door open for your wife!

2. When your wife walks up or down the stairs or when she gets in or out of the car, show enough consideration for her to reach out and take her by the hand and help her. This little tender touch communicates that you want to treat her with care. It makes her feel very special.

3. Instead of spending all the extra money on yourself, on your fishing trip, or on your personal pleasures, why not sacrifice a few of your own desires and give her that extra money to go do something for herself? When you give her a check or cash and tell her to go buy something for herself, it will probably shock her! But as she realizes that you are making a sacrifice of your own desires to bless her, it will send a gigantic signal that you love her and want to bless her.

4. Tell your wife often how beautiful she is to you. This makes her feel cherished. She works hard to be beautiful for you, and it is only right that you acknowledge it when she looks pretty.

5. Speak honorably of your wife in front of your children. If you treat her with honor, your children will treat her with honor as well. If you have sons, you are also providing a good example to them of the way they should honor their own future wives.

6. Take your wife to dinner and let her talk, talk, and talk. The one thing she wants more than anything else is time with you. When you give her time that is completely undistracted, it lets her know that you want to be with her. By the way, in those special times set aside for your wife, it would be a good idea to leave the mobile phone at home!

7. When you are at work, remember to pick up the telephone to call her during the day, just to let her know you are thinking about her. It doesn’t take long for you to make a quick phone call, but that moment of consideration means a lot to your wife because it communicates to her how much you value her. If you tend to be forgetful about calling your wife during your busy workday, write a note to remind yourself.

8. Make time in your schedule to be only with your wife. This communicates that she is a high priority in your life. If you always have time to be with everyone else but never have time with her, you are sending her the message that she is the lowest priority in your life. Put yourself in her place, and you’ll realize that if she had time for everyone but you, it would probably make you feel pretty insignificant as well. So make time for your wife, and she will feel valued by you.

9. Men don’t like to write notes, but women love to receive them. So take a few minutes every so often to write a little note or card and leave it for your wife to find. How much time and effort does it take for you to pick up an ink pen and a piece of paper and write two or three sentences of appreciation to your wife? It’s a small investment of time and creativity that speaks volumes to your wife about your love for her.

10. Always remember special dates, such as your wife’s birthday or your wedding anniversary. Men tend to forget these things, but these are special memories to a wife and it means so much to her when these times are celebrated with her husband. Also, don’t forget to buy her a gift for these occasions. After all, wouldn’t you be shocked and disappointed if she forgot your birthday?

Now let me take this one step further and suggest ten things a husband should never do to his wife! If you do any of these ten things, you are sending a wrong signal to your wife, for none of these actions will make her feel cherished and treasured by you. In fact, they will have the opposite effect!Husband, listen carefully:

1. Never put your wife down in front of others. She didn’t marry you to be the brunt of your jokes. Even if she smiles and laughs, trying to shrug off your verbal jabs, this kind of behavior on your part is deeply hurtful to your wife. She needs your honor, not your sarcasm. If there is a conflict between you, wait until you get home where you can talk about it privately, but never make fun of her or put her down in front of others. You certainly wouldn’t want her to do this to you!

2. Never point out your wife’s weaknesses to others. Husbands often do this, not realizing how disrespectful they are being to their wives. Talking in public about your wife’s weaknesses will embarrass her. And I must ask you again, do you want her to point out all your flaws in front of other people? You would prefer that she speak to you privately about such matters, so show her the same courtesy.

3. Never tell your wife there isn’t enough money in the budget for her to buy a new outfit — and then turn right around and spend a lot of money on yourself, your fishing trip, your hobbies, etc. When she sees you do this, it communicates to her that you love yourself more than you love her. Do you want your wife to perceive you as a selfish person who is more in love with yourself than concerned about blessing her?

4. Never tell your wife that you don’t have time for her. Even if your schedule is packed, look for time to be with her. She married you because she loves you and wants to be with you. When you consistently make time for everyone in your life except your wife, you are making a very big mistake. If needed, cancel something in your schedule so you can give attention to this most important relationship in your life.

5. Never walk in front of your wife. Husbands are notorious for walking in front of their wives, and wives detest it. Too often men act as if they are racing when they walk, usually leaving their wives to walk five to fifteen feet behind them. Now, I understand that you may think your wife walks too slowly, but what is the use of racing in front of her if you must then stop, turn around, and wait for her to catch up with you? It takes the same amount of time to get to your destination, whether you walk alongside your wife or you walk ahead and then wait for her. So take your wife’s hand, and discipline yourself to walk by her side. You’ll shock her by doing this!

6. Never compare your wife to another woman. She wants to be the one and only woman in your life, so comparing her to other women is not wise and shows great disrespect. Do you want her to compare you to other men? I don’t think so.

7. Never make sexual innuendoes about your wife in front of others. This is not only disrespectful; it is deeply offensive to a wife. Your sexual relationship is a time of intimacy that is to be shared only between the two of you. Therefore, when you make jokes about it or talk about it in front of others, you are humiliating your wife and making her feel cheap. This is certainly not a way to cherish her or to treat her like a treasure!

8. Never lie to your wife or tell a half-truth to cover your tracks. Honesty must be the foundation of your relationship. If you violate her trust by lying to her and she discovers it, your act of deception will affect her ability to trust you in the future. Therefore, if you really love your wife, always level with her and be honest. It may be difficult for her to hear what you have to say, but at least she will know you are being honest with her. If she discovers you have been lying to her, this will result in a far greater hurt than if you honestly admit to her what you have done wrong.

9. Never dishonor your wife in front of your children. She is their mother, and they need to be taught to respect and honor her. If you treat her like a joke in front of the kids, they will treat her the same way. Dishonoring her and arguing with her before the children discredits her in their eyes. Do you want her to scold you or rebuke you in front of your children? Wouldn’t you prefer that she express her disagreements with you in private? Then show her the same consideration that you want her to show you.

10. Never forget your wife’s birthday or your wedding anniversary! Excuse me for repeating this point, but it’s important. Men who consistently forget these two important dates and yet expect their marriage relationship to stay healthy are either ignorant or stupid. These are special dates in your wife’s mind. Remembering her birthday tells her that you are thinking of her. Remembering your wedding anniversary tells her that you deeply care about your relationship with her.

Remember, Peter commands husbands in First Peter 3:7 to “give honor” to their wives. As noted earlier, the word “give” describes a calculated decision to show attention, awareness, or consideration to someone else. This pictures a purposeful and premeditated action by a husband to intentionally show attention and demonstrate consideration for his wife.If these kinds of thoughtful acts don’t come naturally to you, it’s time for you to learn how to do them. Quit saying, “I just don’t think that way,” and learn to think that way! The truth is that you show kindness and consideration to other people, so you can do the same for your wife as well.

Peter tells you what your responsibility is as a husband: “giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.” If you intend to be an obedient son of God, you have no choice but to learn how to develop these skills in your life, because God commands that you show this kind of consideration to your wife.If you sincerely want to please the Lord and to be a blessing to your wife, why don’t you go before the Lord today and ask Him to forgive you for being insensitive to her needs? After you talk to the Lord, it is also important that you humble yourself and ask your wife to forgive you as well. Then follow up your repentance with actions.

Let the Holy Spirit teach you, correct you, and show you how to become more sensitive to the woman you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Never forget — there is no relationship in your life more important than the one you have with your wife!

V.Day: 10 Keys to Intimacy In Marriage

One of my goals for this year is to grow in intimacy with my wife Sharon. Don’t get me wrong, we have a great relationship but I would be the first to say that we still have lots of room for growth. I love her with all my heart but there are some things  that I do really well, and then some other things that I don’t. I’m not insecure about that – I just recognize that I need to grow.

One area that sometimes we seem to be missing each other on sometimes is that of ‘intimacy’. I work hard to serve her and my son, really try to make time, leave work at the office etc. and then struggle a little with the fact that she feels a gap in our ‘intimacy’ (I have figured out that she doesn’t mean our sex life). It has been hard for me to define. If I can ‘get it’ then “I will know what to do do” (yes ladies, very typically male). So, I’m on a journey of growing in intimacy.

One of the blogs I read is from Pastor Joseph Mattera – today I was pulling up an article from his site to share with our office team and I stumbled upon an older one titled “10 keys to Intimacy in Marriage”. The intro really grabbed my attention:

February 14 is a day set aside for couples to express their love. However, most men are clueless in regards to the state of their relationship with their spouse. If men would just learn to properly prioritize their marriage and family, focusing properly on what matters most, then all the other things they desire for significance will manifest in their proper time!

As I read further I found some practical teaching on how to grow in this area. Check it out here. 

The Cost of Divorce

One of our servant-leaders recently passed on an interesting article on the financial cost of divorce.

Anyone with a Biblical worldview recognize and emphasize the devastating spiritual, emotional, and ‘family’ consequences of divorce. For many today, saying “the Bible says” doesn’t cut it so we need to learn how to explain the ‘whys’ so the wisdom of the Biblical perspective is demonstrated. Understanding and sharing the financial consequences of a divorce only strengthens the argument that couples should do everything possible to work things out.